Would you keep reading?

teaser imageAs I’ve mentioned previously, I’m currently hard at work revising and polishing the first book to my epic fantasy series, the Blessings of Myrillia. UnBlessed has a beautiful new cover, and I want to have a beautiful product to go with it! Fans who have read the first book can relax – most of the changes are cosmetic: weeding out and rewording overused phrases, fixing punctuation, showing rather than telling … you get the idea. The story line itself won’t change, although there will be a few new ‘bonus’ chapters that explain a few loose ends, and the first chapter has significant changes. Basically, I butchered it to create a more compelling introduction to the story. Which brings me to the reason for my post today …

I’m providing a sneak peek at the newly revised first chapter – the first 500 or so words, in fact. What I’d like to know is:

Would you keep reading? 

Chapter One

Thirteen-year-old Kisara Tenebris skipped and twirled around her bedroom, ending in front of the iridescent dress that had arrived just moments ago. The Blessing ceremony would be held this evening at the Great Temple.

After tonight, she would finally be considered an adult.

Kisara wondered if she might be lucky enough to be Fire Blessed—or Favored by one of the other Elements. If she were, she would  be able to live in the palaces at the city center, relied upon and envied by her entire people! She laughed and danced around her room again.

The soft silken material glimmered with woven magic; Kisara watched as it shifted colors. She still couldn’t believe that she would get to wear the traditional fabric and stand in front of the Elemental Shrines in a few short hours.

“Kisara, what in the name of the Elements are you doing?”

Whirling around, she saw her mother watching her with an amused smile. “Mother! Look, the Blessing dress came while you were out.” Kisara hurried to show her mother the gown. “Isn’t it beautiful?”

“Yes, it’s quite lovely, isn’t it?” Her mother smiled indulgently. “I assume you like it? I told the seamstress to make it a little old fashioned, with the flowing skirts and lace sleeves, rather than the short tunic styles so popular with girls these days. I thought you’d look very elegant and grown up in it.”

“Oh yes, Mother, it’s absolutely perfect! I can’t wait for this evening!” Kisara said this with yet another little dance. “Do you think it would be okay if I tried it on? Just to make sure it fits. I promise I’ll take it off right away!”

Laughing, her mother replied, “No you won’t. I know you better than that. Once you have it on, you’ll make up some excuse that will prevent you from having to take it off again.”

Ruffling Kisara’s hair, she suggested, “No, why don’t you go visit your friends instead? Take your time; have them show you their Blessing clothes. You can even bring them back to show them yours, as long as it stays on the rack.”

Kisara scrunched up her face in disappointment.

Her mother snapped her fingers suddenly, her brow furrowed with concern. “You know, maybe we should go check on Lucien. I ran into his mother at the market, and she told me he’s extremely nervous about tonight. Maera was wondering if the two of you should stay behind a year, especially since you’re both so close to the cutoff date.”

Immediately distracted, Kisara stared at her mother with horror. “Stay behind?! Both of us? But, but you already got my Blessing gown!”

“True, but it will keep a year.”

“A year?! Uh, why don’t I go talk to Lucien first? I mean, we already agreed to attend this year. Our names are on the register and everything. I’ll, uh. I’ll be right back.” Kisara rushed from the room, heedless of her mother’s suppressed amusement.

End excerpt.

Any feedback would be most appreciated. What you liked, what you didn’t. Questions, thoughts, praise … I’ll take anything. 🙂


6 thoughts on “Would you keep reading?

  1. I would definitely keep reading. I like the style and flow of events. I haven’t read UnBlessed yet, but knowing all these lovely revisions are in the works makes me wanna hold off until you’re all done. :]

    The only thing I can nitpick on is the phrase “Kisara said this with yet another little dance.” Anytime you have to use “they said this” or “they did this,” it’s generally avoidable. It always sounds weird and forced and pulls me out of a story. Like I said, though – that’s a nitpick. I also wish there was more physical setting, but you’ve crafted the perfect opportunity to explore that with the walk to Lucien’s house, so I don’t have much to say about that, either.

    All in all, great job, I’d say. Excited to see how the rest of the story will unfold.

    • Yay! Thanks for the feedback – nitpicks are welcome here. I do believe the next paragraph (or possibly three) have plenty of physical setting for you. It’s still one of my weak spots, but I’m trying to improve. I’ll also work on that dialog tag. 🙂 Thanks again!

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